Honest tech resumes
Entry-level: The "I've Scraped Some Code, Promise" Resume
John Doe 3.0
Objective: To serve as an unpaid intern for the rest of my life, or until AI replaces me entirely.
Skills: Proficient in sleeping under desks, mastery of coffee brewing, and exceptional ability to ignore personal hygiene during crunch time. Can recite all coding puzzles at will.
Experience: Intern at Frugal (2022-2025), where I honed my skills in fetching coffees, delivering food, and maintaining the office plants. All my code assignments were completed by AI agents.
Achievements: Survived 5 years without a single vacation or sick day.
Software & Senior Engineer: The "I'm an Algorithm, Not a Human" Resume
Jane R. A. I.
Objective: To create AI that can replace humans more efficiently than my previous creations.
Skills: Proficient in coding, debugging, and writing haiku about the futility of existence.
Experience: Software Engineer at Xweater (2015-2025), where I was responsible for creating self-replicating code and AI that could write their own resumes.
Achievements: Unwitting helped build Assure engineer-less stack by providing source code access to my friendly AI helper.
Managers: The "I've Learned to Speak AI" Resume
Steve M. Overlord
Objective: To ensure my subordinates work themselves to death while I enjoy a stress-free life.
Skills: Mastery in micromanagement, ability to inspire fear, and exceptional skills in avoiding actual work.
Experience: Manager at LaysOff (2010-2025), where I honed my skills in delegating tasks, taking credit for others' work, and perfecting the art of the guilt trip.
Achievements: Created a team that worked 18 hours a day without a single complaint or request for a raise.
Product Managers: The "I Can Predict the Future" Resume
Alexa P. Product
Objective: To create products that consumers don't need, but will buy anyway.
Skills: Exceptional understanding of consumer psychology, ability to manipulate market trends, and a keen eye for design that appeals to the basest instincts.
Experience: Product Manager at MakingTheWorldABetterPlace (2018-2025), where I led the development of the 'MakingTheWorldABetterPlace Advertisements' and the 'MakingTheWorldABetterPlace Popups'.
Achievements: Developed a product line that increased consumer debt by 500% in just 5 years.
Director: The "I've Been Here Long Enough" Resume
Catherine L. Power
Objective: To climb the corporate ladder at any cost, even if it means sacrificing my soul and sanity.
Skills: Mastery in office politics, ruthless ambition, and exceptional ability to lie convincingly.
Experience: Director at YetAnotherAICompany (2010-2025), where I rose through the ranks by stepping on the backs of my colleagues and making sacrifices that would make a Medieval Inquisitor blush.
Achievements: Became the first woman to be fired for cause from YetAnotherAICompany, but not before amassing a fortune in stock options.
VP: The "I'm a Visionary, Not a Manager" Resume
Richard W. Visionary
Objective:To revolutionize the world, or at least make a good impression at TED Talks.
Skills: Visionary thinking, ability to speak in vague buzzwords, and exceptional skills in avoiding actual work.
Experience: VP at AReallyGoodPlace (2005-2025), where I survived through 9 layoff seasons.
Achievements:Became a keynote speaker at TED Talks, despite the fact that my ideas have yet to materialize into anything tangible.